To Start Again

She’s becoming her own role-model. She’s always looked for mentors and idols to mold herself into. Not any more. As she evolves into a woman who begins to recognize her uniqueness, she cannot find examples to emulate.  Nobody really fits the template for who she is becoming. Her path is distinctive, and like her, singular.  An inner stirring informs her that this time, she has to create from the inside out. She always had heroines and heroes in her life, but the more she’s maturing, the more she’s acknowledging her own awesomeness. Taking the power back to herself is still new to her,  as is re-creating herself from her own example. She is daring deeply. These are times of transition. She steps into this unfamiliar journey, both with trepidation and excitement. As there is no benchmark, she is free to create. If at all she looks for a mentor, it is one who asks her to believe in herself. She’s learning to be her own source. She’s reincarnating in the same body. As she stands in her own singularity, she fits better into her world. ~Joyous Woman

The loss of my mom cuts to the bone like standing out in a snowstorm naked. Starting out again alone. Jagged and raw emotions well up inside me like tall pine trees.

Letting her go was so hard for me and my daughter. We saw the end coming but it doesn’t ease the blow when it finally does happen. God, I miss her so much. My heart has broken into million of tiny sharp pieces and I am raw and vulnerable. I feel so alone without her by my side. I have found a new softness and gentleness in myself that only comes from grief. She was the last part of my youth that I clung to so by letting go of her I lost a part of my younger self as well. I feel like an abandoned orphan watching both my parents drive off toward the pearly gates with me left crying in a small balled up heap. Of all times to lose someone I love. Now is the roughest.

She was a true mystic. Could see things before they happened, taught me a little about being psychic, like our whole family is, she was a Troubadour, a D’artagnon, a Joan of Arc of her lifetime and lived like a gypsy, not afraid to load up a suitcase at 3AM and put me in the car for a week long sojourn to my Grandmother’s house in Tennessee to pick her up.

She wasn’t from the generation that understood what the New Age meant yet she rocked the shit out of it like a mafia boss. Tarot cards, fortune tellers, great oracles. Mom loved all of it. She was a singer whereas I’m afraid to let others hear my voice too often.

I live in a perpetual vow of silence as an introvert whereas she spoke volumes and recorded them as songs. I could never live out that loud.

She had an adaptive ability for a mama bear’s intuition and could kick ass with knowing where I was at all times in town. In fact it was her go-to super-power. I used to wonder how she did that all the time so magically like that. All mama’s everywhere have this ability built in.

She never ever missed an opportunity to help someone in need and was of service to all. She was a role model for feminists everywhere because if a man could do it surely she could do it better and would outshine them at the task if allowed to try.

I have paid homage to ancestors by building a small alter in my bedroom that faces the center of the room. Beautiful and peaceful for contemplation. Teary eyed prayers and meditations focusing on the divine and on empathy for all. I weep over memories shared with her.

Over the last few days I have had a lot of appointments out of town. Pushed to my outer limits while squandering precious rest and nap time just to allow the necessary allotment of driving to get there on time with some extra time for getting lost, wrong turns, Etc..

Kind of funny I run into places with his name everywhere. Six times in one day. Seriously?! lol. Harsh shadows of reality scratching my back. It’s funny when you say “I will never think of him or that town again!” and as soon as you make the intention known to the universe, it will alter your course accordingly. I have accepted divine will.

Coming to this place was amazing for me and my mother and daughter. We have been so blessed and happy here. Each new opportunity for me is a chance to start over with my life-stretching out into new directions- as time-it waits for no-one. I am pushing through boundaries and a heart filled with fear and self doubt about an uncertain future moving forward alone. Trying to stop making mountains out of molehills but it takes hard work because if left alone those kinds of things build and then rebuild themselves. I think of my accomplishments and I am so damned proud of me. Shadows are leaving me one by one as the sun comes back out showering me and the earth with her golden kisses.

All of the things I wanted in a partner no longer resonate with me and with what I once knew or thought I knew about love, and new ideas and inspirations come to me as if through divine guidance. I recognize my usefulness in this world now. I have new tools in my chest.

I wield a great power and force and a delicate intimacy for beautiful things such as art and ballet, ballroom dancing, and tribal fusion belly dancing. Waves of clarity are being formed from the ocean’s breath as it tickles my tippy toes.

The beach sand stretches out in front of me like a route 66 highway and the continental divide in my heart screams “Let’s roll.” I ride it like a Hell’s Angels chopper rocking my leather jacket and black leather chaps in order to start my new beginning.
Time to start again.

You are loved.
All is well.

Aho Mitakuye’ Oyasin,

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