Why I haven’t dated in Seven years

Recently a friend from school came around again and we started talking in the evenings near coffee time after work and dinner.

Random chatter with  general small talk. nothing heavy. He has been through a loss of his loved one and so have I.  And he is really nice to me. I am hurting now too from the loss of my mom so recently that I still can’t believe it. Everything is so heavy now.

Then, suddenly it happened. I wish it hadn’t because I have been celibate for seven years now and plan on staying that way until the right guy comes along for me that can be strong enough to love me the way that I need to be loved without excuses.

I haven’t dated or [cyber] dated anyone nor do I try to talk to or be alone with the opposite sex in any given situation. Even though some guy friends have tried and tried to be with me on social media and out in the real world. I just can’t focus on dating right now. period. I don’t want to date meh guys and go on meaningless meh dates with local guys just to have something or someone to do.

I explained to him that I was tired. He hinted at a “massage” was what I needed. I knew where it was going. I instantly slammed on the brakes before it got farther. The proverbial car crashed and both our airbags released. I don’t like coming out and saying it, really.

I matter of factually shut him down with a “No, not really,  I don’t need or want a massage….from any…one…”  It was like an electric shock to his manly ego. I zapped him. I couldn’t believe my blatant audacity right then. Don’t touch me. I need to be alone now.

It was snappy and rude of me and I really knew better. I hurt his fragile manly feelings. But I needed for him to understand and for him to stay in the “friend zone” for me if we were going to continue our talks. In fact…

I need all guys to stay there for me right now. I don’t want a relationship that doesn’t thrill me or fulfill me the way I need it to.   I had that in my marriage and thank God(dess) that dry period is over.

I asked him for forgiveness for my rude bluntness. I don’t want to be touched in that way. Not by a stranger. Not by him or by anyone. I have a lot going on right now and he is not the man for me. It’s a stick in my spoke that makes me go too fast for my own conditions and causes me to spin out of control and fly off my bicycle over the handlebars and onto the pavement with a sharp bloody thud. No. thank. you. I am not starting anything with anyone else right now.

I don’t want to be touched or need touched right now. I need to be strong. And alone. And not be embraced or touched by anyone but the one I love. And that’s not going to happen. Cheap substitutions don’t work for me. I get nothing out of fun buddies. I’m not going to find it in the arms of some guy that I knew once in school or met on social media that is hiding under a good looking fake persona.

If you loved him why did you leave?” Love can’t be done from a distance. I had to leave. And I’m not going to start a new relationship with someone that would like and expect more of me or from me than I am able to give them at this point in my life.

I felt like asking him “Didn’t you know our history?” but nobody knows what I am talking about when I say that except me. Thank goodness. That’s a house of pain.

My intimate relationship is one of my greatest power sources and places I needed to grow in. I was triggered. I felt helpless, scared, and weak. Filled with fear of love. Fear of giving it to anyone again or receiving it without worrying about someone stabbing me in the back or turning their back on me when I start to desire them in my life.

I struggle with walking away without goodbye. I wasn’t raised like that. Some of my biggest wounds are still coming to the surface from out of the dark world where our love resided. To be illuminated. And healed. With the power of the light of my own healing toward love and deep rooted connections. New things are rearing their head and need knocked down again with baseball mallets like whackamole games and I have to fight now- and not love. I have to be brave and pick up my spear like a warrior and march on into battle by myself.  I will be victorious. I will win like a boss.

There is such a deep connection I feel for the man I cared for even if I never  become intimate with anyone else then it is enough for me. It’s not holding on to what I can’t have but more of it’s a releasing what I thought was once something special.

Why do the people that love us hurt us? Why do we trust them and give them this power over us and how we are to feel? I was just fine with out of sight out of mind thank you very much. Now for the last few months I have had to think of that time repeatedly and harsh shadows over and over again like ghosts in the machine. I wish everyone would leave me alone. I didn’t want to ever remember that time in my life.

As Curly says from City Slickers “I no longer wonder where she is because she lives in my heart.” As it is so with him. You can be far away from someone and yet be right there.

My way was different than his. Yet the same. I couldn’t trust the man I was in a relationship with. He lied frequently. Girls flirted with him in front of me. He lied about knowing them. Some called him. Some texted him.  We were on different planets of love, commitment, and creative expression and we lived in a house of pain from the buildup of lies and third and fourth chances. I don’t want to feel right now.

When we’re with the wrong person it uncovers our deepest darkest secrets. We devise schemes to find someone more “like us.” New elements come into play at the thought of things being better if we were alone than in a miserable unhappy relationship with someone we don’t resonate with. Our love becomes a force to be reckoned with.

When the one we love doesn’t empower us sexually we shrivel up and start looking outside for other interests. Whether they be purely sexual or tantric in nature.            We start craving more and more dangerous situations; such as downloading porn or meeting strangers online to fill the void that our loved one isn’t providing for us anymore. And the new me doesn’t want one of these meaningless relationships.

Instead of meeting someone new I pulled back into myself. I haven’t dated and don’t know if I will again soon. I have desire. I have yearnings inside. I’m not saying I don’t miss human companionship and intimacy but I don’t “need” it or need to be with someone just to keep from being alone. I am a hurricane wind. I am a wild thing.

I miss savoring the male anatomy with desire and gusto. Mmmm yea. I get excited thinking about the male anatomy. But I’m not into booty calls, going to bars or clubs, or seeing a friend with benefits because I’ve never really been that type of girl.

And I am okay with being alone for now because it is better than being with someone that would eventually like a real relationship with me while I am still in love with someone else.  I just can’t do it yet. I have found my strength in my weakness.

I am vulnerable and wish he was near.

But for today I am alone and I am okay.

I am the best me I can be.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Mellie

    Wham bam thank you, maam, my questions are answered!

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